My Dog is the Antichrist

There are two types of dog owners in this world: there are dog owners and there are dog parents. I pride myself on the fact that I am the former. My wife, on the other hand, cries whenever we watch Dogtown. This leads to very conflicting attitudes that my dogs must react to. When people knock on the door, my beautiful bride shouts "Hush!" in unison with my "Good girls!!!" There is a fundamental difference in motivation between us. My wife wants polite doggies; I want them to earn their keep. That dog food is expensive, yo! Allow me to illustrate:

Reasons for owning a dog: Me

1. Home protection
2. Companionship
   

Reasons for owning a dog: Wife

1. Companionship
2. ...

Granted, we adopted beagles so I don't expect to come home and find the Dynamic Duo keeping a cat burglar at bay on top of the piano... I just want them to make enough noise to get someone annoyed enough to pick the next house to rob. Is that so bad?

We both agree on one thing, though: no POO in this house! Unfortunately, someone didn't get the memo- Savvy, the Crapmiester. Before we got married, I wanted to get a dog. So we looked online at this great no-kill shelter in Saint Louis and we found these two beagle sisters. two were strays, but Savvy seems to have had a lot of bad experiences with humans and her reaction to any alarming stimulus is to drop any extra weight in case she needs to run. A couple of weeks ago, she went in the house right after she came in from a potty break.

I vowed then that I would not rest until she was trained not to poo in the house. I am a Pack Leader! Do you hear me, Cesar!?!

So I got online and looked up my options. Here's a hint, people: don't yell at your dog! Who knew? If I went on the carpet, my parents would have flipped! Now we are trying to train the dogs to ring a bell to let us know when they have to go. But yesterday, the neighbors were fighting and we could hear the yelling through the ceiling. I look down, and Savvy has 'the look': the look that says "You're not going to be happy with me in about 5 minutes." So I look around, and there is a present on the floor. I was really happy about that, because now was go-time! I took her to the door, got her out of the house, and she did a little more outside. Good girl!

Wrong! She came back in and proceeded to resume her initial task! And that is why my dog is the Antichrist.