Your New Life

Preparing for baby is such a spiritual undertaking for me right now. I've been so impressed by the process of change in one's life and how that is accomplished. ChillyFreeToes and I finished a birthing class at the university's hospital a few weeks ago and they taught us about the physical changes that are going on inside her to accompany and eventually give birth to our little boy.

Since my program of choice is biomedical engineering, I was able to look at the process of labor in a very intellectual fashion and it was awe-inspiring. I study tissue remodeling, which means I look at how parts of our bodies do things that in a man-made material (metal, plastic, etc.) would cause them to crack, bend, and fail.

When you exercise, your body remodels itself, in sometimes drastic ways, to accommodate the increased needs for oxygen, energy, and waste removal. Patients with traumatic brain injuries in some cases can relearn the lost knowledge only because of the remodeling that occurs in the brain to store and retrieve the new replacement knowledge. Those guys who break stacks of bricks with their hands cause micro-fractures in their bones that make them stronger when they heal, so they can break more bricks. Only from stress do we adapt through change.

Our bodies teach us something important: there is always hope. For instance, I haven't run a 5K in 7 years, but this year I started running again. I also had a discectomy two years ago and I should limit the stress on my back. But I'm amazed at how much I've improved in the last couple of months! Through regular exercise, I'm back to running a 5K (though not very fast yet)!

I'm also noticing that my back is stiffer and I have more pain there after running. I'm finding it hard to make quick movements (like when I trip) that cause my back to bend. But I want to be able to lift my children, to let them ride on my shoulders, and be like the Daddy I remember having.

So where is the hope for my back and me? One of the things that I've learned in my studies is that there are thresholds: limits or boundaries where once crossed, the original state can never be restored. Physically, you can bend a bone to the breaking point, but if you don't go further the bone will rebound to its original shape. Once you cross that point, though, the bone fractures and the original shape is lost until a surgeon fixes the bone.

In life, there are thresholds as well- points of "no return" where once we cross that threshold we cannot reclaim the blessings we would have had available to us. There are times when a relationship or opportunity are lost from us forever. Everyone has those moments in life and the fewer we cause, the happier we are. That is why we are given commandments and instruction. They point the way to happiness and peace, and ensure that we have the least amount of regret when we follow them.

My back and I are the consequence of something: poor posture, birth defect, accident, etc. Either by my choice or chance, my back can no longer take the pounding of jogging for long periods of time. It's hard to admit this limitation of mine, but it's there and denying will only inflame the problem. I cannot force reality (or my back!) to bend to my wishes, but there's still hope!

When we incur the consequences of sin or circumstance, we can accept it or deny it. To deny it, we have to drown out all the signals that the universe sends us that say "Um, you might want to rethink that..." Pride comes before a fall because pride causes instability in life: there's nothing mystic about it. When we accept the limitations the Lord has placed before us, then we can move forward and progress. We change. It is only then that we see the hand of the Lord preserving us through our lives.

Sometimes that change is deep and life-altering. But we can know that it will be for good if we allow the Lord to work His will in us. That is what conversion means: a change at the very nature, the core of being. Repentance is a cessation of something, but conversion is the transformation of the repentant.

In church today, one of the speakers was discussing trials and saying that we need to accept the Lord's will for us -not because we believe that accepting a trial will make it vanish!- but because we have faith that the Lord loves us and knows what is best for us better than we do. I was struck by how true that has been for my life. I've often said "Okay, I get that you want me to be humble right now, so if I accept this is from You, Lord, You have to promise to take it away." Now I know that accepting is the only way my trials have any benefit to me!

I was inspired by this video of a fellow blogger: my wife has been following her for about a year now and this video tells the remarkable story of her acceptance and blessing of her new life.



Her husband and her were in a plane crash and she suffered a large percentage of burns on her body. While her body has suffered irreparable damage, she can see the blessings that came from her experience.

Her example is dramatic and profound. My example is less significant, and I include it only because it is easier to relate to. I can no longer be a jogger. But the fundamental motivation for my jogging is still there and I can fulfill it in other ways! I can swim or bike. I can take up cross-country skiing in the winter. By accepting my limitation, I can see it for what the blessing that it is and not as a regret.

I can change and the Lord will bless me through that. In all things, He will lead me to joy and happiness, if I will let Him do so. That is the change that we all need and that is the purpose of our life on earth. I can't wait to start!

On the Verge

Jonathan Marshall is expected to arrive some time in June and it's getting pretty exciting in our home. The crib is purchased, clothes and toys are beginning to stock up, and we're starting to look at each other and think "Wow, this is really gonna happen!"

Wow.
This is really gonna happen.

Now I love kids and I've always wanted to have a pack or two, but it's not until you start acquiring baby things in the house when you realize the mountain of responsibility that comes with the 'hood. I mean, are we gonna screw our kids up? Will we overparent them so much that they have to be in court-ordered therapy until they're 30? What child development 'experts' do we follow? (Dr. Spock, it turns out, is the sole reason for the 60's drug culture. Who knew?) Will they understand that when Daddy makes fun of them, they shouldn't take it personally? Will Mommy teach them that Daddy can sometimes forget your birthday, but it doesn't that he doesn't love you?

Of course, we ALL get a little misled by our parents. My parents were not perfect and so I want to cut myself a little slack. On the other hand, I did end up pretty screwy... Regardless, as a new parent you're not going to get everything right. I'm going to tell my son to "walk it off" when he needs prompt medical attention. That's how kids grow.

Part of it is that I'm impressed lately on the spiritual aspect of child-rearing. Children get their first impressions of deity from their parents. They are more likely to think that their Heavenly Father is like their earthly one. So how do I discipline in a Christ-like way? Or how do I school my reactions so that my son/daughter knows that they don't need to fear me? My family background doesn't give me much experience in that.

All of this is to say that I'm realizing how much spiritual preparation and consistency I am expecting from myself. And though it will be tough to do, I want my children to know that their daddy loves them enough to commit to these things.

Daddy Time!

ChillyFreeToes is ~4 months pregnant with our first baby. We are so excited! CFT's enthusiasm is a little damped by the fact that she's been constantly nauseous for two months straight. Ugh! But we're getting to experience those amazing firsts for a family: watching the baby bump grow, getting CFT Dairy Queen at 10 pm, the first ultrasound after weeks of anxiety. Last night was the best so far! I felt the baby kick! It was so COOL!

And tonight, CFT is making beef stew for me from scratch! It doesn't get any better!